Word count: 2,602
Spoilers: 2x06 I guess with title from 2x09
Summary: “How can you love me but not want me?”
A/N: Written for the glee_kink_meme prompt: Sam is asexual, but not aromantic. He's falling in love with (insert character here, but please not Rachel or Mr. Schue) but is terrified of his secret. His lack of sexual urges got him beat up at his old school, so he's scared of revealing his secret. He tries to force himself to be sexual, so that he'll fit in, but eventually an understanding comes between him and his partner.
Junior year seemed to be flying by because before Quinn knew it, it was only about a month until Nationals. Nationals in New York City. Of course Rachel insisted that they meet on the weekends to practice. The blonde could her the shorter diva’s shrill voice ringing in her head.
“How are we supposed to win if we don’t practice Quinn?”
Quinn knew all about practicing in order to win, she was on the Cheerios after all, so she didn’t mind too much. But that Saturday, instead of going to Rachel’s house to meet up with everyone else for rehearsal, the blonde was on her way to her boyfriend’s house. She and Sam had been together for about seven months and she was happier than she had ever been. It happened to be his birthday that day and she had gotten ‘excused absences’ (Rachel’s phrasing, as if Glee club had an attendance policy) for both of them from Rachel and planned on surprising him at home with breakfast in bed.
Sam’s parents adored Quinn and unlike in the past where she tried hiding and ignoring things until it was as if they didn’t exist, she was upfront with them about her pregnancy the previous year. Sam’s parents knew that they were teenagers and would of course have urges, but Quinn assured them that because of her experience that, should they decide to become sexually active, every precaution would be taken. It was for that reason that on a Saturday morning, Quinn was trusted to be there without adult supervision. The Evans’ ran a personal trainer business and were often away on the weekends to meet their client’s needs. (When Quinn had learned this, her boyfriend’s behavior regarding working out made a lot more sense.) It was an unfortunate coincidence that Sam’s birthday fell on a Saturday that year and they would not be able to spend time with their son, but they were grateful that he had Quinn.
Grabbing the spare key underneath the flowerpot, Quinn let herself into Sam’s house and quietly shut the door behind her. In one hand she carried bagels (whole wheat) with cream cheese (low fat) and began tip toeing to Sam’s room, wanting to take him by surprise.
Perhaps because he was excited about his birthday (And the fact that he didn’t have Glee rehearsal for some strange reason... He would have to investigate that later because Rachel had called him hastily the night before telling him he didn’t need to come over. Not like he was complaining though...) but he woke extra early that day. As he stretched out and yawned he realized the true reason for his awakening.
He shifted uncomfortably as he noticed his erection. These weren’t a frequent occurrence and he wondered what could have been the cause. He didn’t recall having a sexual dream... not that those really got him going. He figured it was just one that happened for no apparent reason. It was, like, biology. He was in such a good mood that it was his birthday though, he shrugged and pulled down his boxers slightly before wrapping his hand around the base of his half hard cock, thinking he might get lucky.
He began pumping slowly, trying to enjoy the feeling of it. He knew he should like it, he was a teenage boy after all, but it really just did nothing for him. He tried thinking about what it would be like to have sex with Quinn. She was beautiful and wonderful and he was in love with her. People who were in love had sex. That didn’t do anything for him though. Letting out a frustrated groan, he gave thinking about another guy a try, though experienced even further annoyance at his lack of sexual stirring. Why couldn’t he just be normal and feel what he was supposed to feel? Irritated, he began stroking even faster, wondering if just sheer friction would make him have any sort of response at all. But he just felt nothing.
That was how Quinn found him -- lying in bed with a frustrated look on his face as he pumped his cock quickly. So shocked, she dropped the paper bag containing their bagels and let out a gasp. Sam quickly released himself and fumbled to pull the blankets over himself.
“Uh--I--Um...” he stuttered as his face flushed a deep red.
Quinn stood frozen for a moment before crossing the room slowly and perching herself on the side of his bed. “It’s okay,” she said quietly before reaching out and turning his head to face her then leaned in for a slow kiss. She was turned on. Sure they made out, but it never went much past that. Seeing him such a state was oddly hot and considering there was no adult supervision, she decided to capitalize on the opportunity.
Kissing. Sam was used to this. And although he never felt the urge to jump her bones like he was probably supposed to, her lips on his was always comforting. It was a symbol of affection and love. He loved her and wanted to show her, so he kissed her back.
As they kissed Quinn worked her hand under the blankets until her fingers grazed across his flat stomach. Sam startled at the contact and broke the kiss, looking at her with confusion. “What are you doing?”
“I thought you could use some, erm, help,” Quinn replied, biting her lip nervously. They had never done this before. Sam had always been a perfect gentleman, never pressuring her to go further than she was ready. But it had been 7 months and she felt ready now. It didn’t hurt that she had seen him naked and aroused and that might have been fueling her on.
“You don’t have to,” Sam said, slightly strained, though from embarrassment and not arousal like Quinn thought.
“I want to,” Quinn persisted and moved her hand lower until she could gentle wrap her fingers around him. Sam jumped again and gave a nervous chuckle. “Your hands are a little cold.”
“I hear friction causes heat,” Quinn said before blushing deeply. “Oh, God. That was so cheesy. I’m sorry. Do you want me to stop?”
Sam wanted to say yes. He hadn’t been having any luck on his own and even with his girlfriend’s hand pumping him slowly, he still wasn’t feeling anything. That’s not what a teenage guy would do though so he shook his head. “No. I don’t want you doing anything you don’t want to do though.” Maybe if he played the chivalrous card she would stop on her own. She didn’t own him sexual favors for his birthday anyway.
Quinn kissed Sam again before resting her forehead against his. “I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much,” she said before pulling away and focusing on the movement of her hand. For a first timer, she thought she was doing pretty well. However, Sam’s state of arousal -- or rather lack of it -- was more than discouraging.
“Am I doing this wrong?” She asked after a while, glancing back up at his face.
Shit. Fuck. Goddamit. Sam swore in his head. Why couldn’t his body just react? Quinn was the most beautiful girl at McKinley. If he wasn’t going to get hard for her, he really had no chance.
“No, you’re not doing anything wrong,” he said after a moment, his brows furrowed. “Just... stop, okay?”
Quinn immediately retracted her hand and looked away, as if she were ashamed. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m not good at this.”
“It’s not you, it’s me,” Sam started, though mentally kicked himself for using such a cliché line.
Blonde hair whipped as Quinn snapped her head back at Sam. Those words were never a good sign. “What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me? Or... Are you gay?” Convinced by her realization, Quinn sprang off the bed and glared down at him. She was always one quick to anger and this was no exception. “I should have known. Seven months, really Sam? You couldn’t find a way to break up with me or tell me? Did you have to tell me you love me and make me fall in love with you? Did you have to string me along? After everything that happened with Puck and Finn. I told you how scared I was about being in a relationship after that. You told me I could trust you. You told me that you love me. You asshole,” she shrieked and leaned down to pick up a bagel to throw at him.
“Quinn, wait!” Sam said quickly and pulled his boxers back up before sliding out of bed. He shivered slightly at the cool air but walked closer to her and put a hand on her arm to prevent her from storming off. “Don’t leave. I do love you. And I’m not gay. I just...” He paused, not sure what to even say.
“You just what?” Quinn demanded. “Do you not find me attractive? Is it because I had a baby? Am I hideous? What’s wrong with me?”
Sam noticed her lower lip trembling and slid an arm around her waist. “Nothing is wrong with you. You’re perfect. I’m the one who is screwed up. I don’t feel anything. It’s not just you. If I were going to feel anything it would be for you. Because I love you. I just... I don’t respond. To anything. And at first I thought I was gay so I tried that and there was nothing there either. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I can’t just want you. I mean, I do want you but my body doesn’t and. I’m not explaining this very well,” he said with a groan as he noticed Quinn’s wide eyes.
“How can you love me but not want me?” She asked, unable to grasp that the concepts weren’t mutually inclusive. “You gave me a promise ring saying you wanted to be with me. If we get married how are we supposed to start a family if the sight of me does nothing for you? Why do you even kiss me if you don’t want to? Why are you with me?” Angry and confused, Quinn pushed away and backed up until she was leaning against the opposite wall.
“Shouldn’t you be happy that our relationship is about more than sex?” Sam asked, getting frustrated himself. This is why he never told anyone. He was just a freak. No one understood what it was like to not want things like a normal person. Throwing his hands up in anger, he said, “I don’t know why I can’t feel what I want to feel for you. But I do love you. You’re my best friend, Quinn. I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to spend my life with you. I just can’t fucking control whether I get hard or not and if that’s so goddamn important to you then just get out!”
Tears welling in her eyes now, Quinn blinked hard trying to hold them back. She had never heard Sam yell like this before. Sure they had gotten in fights over the 7 months they had been dating, but never like this. She swallowed hard before quietly responding. “I am glad it’s about more than just sex. I just don’t why you don’t want me. I just. I don’t understand. And I’m sorry.” Choking back a sob, she fled from the room.
Happy fucking birthday, Sam thought to himself before flopping back down on his bed.
The next day at Rachel’s weekend Glee practice, Quinn approached Sam cautiously, biting her lip. “Can we talk?”
Sam stiffened but nodded and led her away from the rest of the group. He didn’t anticipate anything good to come from this and preferred to not make a scene in front of everyone. Figuring the kitchen was far enough away, he leaned against the cabinet and looked down at the floor. “I thought you already broke up with me, what else is there to say?”
“You’re asexual,” Quinn said, then added, “And I didn’t break up with you. I just needed to think. I’m sorry. That I ran away. And ruined your birthday.”
Scowling, Sam crossed his arms. “Doesn’t matter what it’s called. I’m a freak, Quinn. It’s not going to change. I’ve never felt anything for anyone. I’ve tried. Believe me.”
“But you’re not aromantic. Romantic feelings and sexual feelings are different. And I’m sorry I freaked out about it. Sex doesn’t matter to me. I mean, considering the bad luck I’ve had, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise,” Quinn admitted, biting her lip again.
“So you’re only going to stay with me because I’m not going to pressure you? Because I don’t even want that stuff?” Sam asked, eyes narrowing. He had definitely learned that habit from Quinn.
“What? No! I love you for your personality. I’ll admit, it crossed my mind about how it was weird you didn’t indicate you wanted to have sex with me. Besides when we first started dating... Why did you do that if you knew you wouldn’t feel anything?” Quinn asked, distracted by her original point.
“I don’t know. I was... I was trying to be one of the guys,” Sam said, his foot kicking at the floor nervously. “It’s what I’m supposed to want. But then when I knew you didn’t want it, it gave me a good excuse to stop and go the gentleman route. And I’m not saying that I don’t like kissing you. I do, Quinn. It’s one of the few sexual things I like. It’s not even the sex component of it. I like being close with you. I like showing you that I love you... So I haven’t just been playing pretend with you. I care about you a lot. I just don’t want anything else.”
“I believe you,” Quinn said, taking a few steps closer to him and reaching for his hand to lace their fingers together. “What I was saying before though is that I love you because you’re a great guy and I know that you care about me. It’s going to take some getting used to, but I’m not throwing this away. There are definitely more important things to me than sex in a relationship.”
Sam instantly relaxed with Quinn’s small hand enveloped in his own and he pulled her against his chest, hugging her close. “I thought I lost you... I don’t want to even imagine that,” he said.
He thought he sounded rather pathetic but Quinn just tilted her head up and smiled at him. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”
Leaning down, he kissed her then pulled back and returned the smile. “I love you, too.”
After a few more minutes of reassuring each other, they finally returned out to the living room where Rachel was correcting everyone’s dance steps. When the tiny brunette noticed them she heaved a giant sigh. “Finally. Have you settled your lover’s dispute? We don’t have time for this. Nationals, which are in New York City, are in a month! A month!” She repeated for emphasis.
Too relieved that she and Sam were okay, Quinn didn’t even have a snarky comment for Rachel and just rolled her eyes. “From the top?”